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Comment by Rod Fournier 10 hours ago

Two Woodpeckers...

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right when he said "your pecker gets harder when you're away from home".

Comment by Norma 12 hours ago

There is a sweet couple in Los Angeles. The wife went for a medical examination and when she came home she said to her husband, "The doctor said that I have the heart of a fifty-year old person. I have the lungs of a forty-year old and my blood pressure is like a person twenty-five years old.
"Oh really? And what did he say about your seventy-year old ass?" asked her husband.
She said, "He never mentioned your name."

Comment by Norma 12 hours ago

Harry is at a banquet and keeps complaining that his false teeth are hurting him. The guy sitting to his left reaches into his pocket and pull out a set of dentures. He hands them to Harry and says, "Try these"
Harry tries them and says, "Thanks anyways, but they are too tight."
The guy pull out another set and hands them to Harry. They fit perfectly, so Harry wears them for the entire night.
At the end of the banquet, Harry hands them back to the guy and says, "They fit me perfectly. Are you a dentist?"
The guy says, "No, I am an undertaker."

Comment by Norma 1 day ago

What is the definition of a WASP?
Someone who gets out of the shower to take a leak.

I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, " Jesus is my best friend"
Boy, his dog must be pissed.

Beverly Hills is so exclusive-- it is the only town in America where Taco Bell has an unlisted number. And so rich--it's the only place I've seen a Salvation Army Band with a string section.

Crime in New York is getting worse. I was there the other week. The Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

Any time four New Yorkers get into a cab without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man.
He says to her," What's going on?"
She says, "Believe it or not, John, I've gone public!"

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.

My grandmother is ninety. She is dating. He is ninety-three. They are very happy. They never argue. They can't hear each other.

Comment by Ingrid 1 day ago

This is something said by my little nephew, he was a very young boy, a long time ago. He lived in Toronto, at the time, in a house shared with his parents and grandparents. His parents were going to drive across the border with him to Buffalo for some shopping. He said to his Grandma "why don't you come with us?". His Grandma (my Mom) replied "I don't have my citizenship." He stated "Oh, Grandma, we're not going by ship, we're driving to Buffalo." LOL We got such a kick out of his comment!!!!

Comment by Norma on January 3, 2010 at 5:21pm

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police officer aarived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they have done to my Beeeemer" he whined.
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer. "You are so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even noticed that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh, my gawdddd!" replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where is my Rolex?!"

Comment by Norma on January 2, 2010 at 6:30pm

There are these two nude statues, one of a man, the other of a woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park. Afew hundred years after they have been put in place, an angel flutters down to them. A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues come to life and the man and the woman step down from their pedestals.
The angel says, "I have been sent to grant the mutual request you both have made after hundreds of years of standing across from each other, unable to move. But be quick, you only have fifteen minutes until you have to become statues again."
The man looks at the woman. They both flush and giggle, and then run off into some underbrush. The sound of great rustling come from the bushes, and seven minutes later, they come back to the angel, obviously satisfied.
The angel smiles at the couple, "That was only seven minutes, why not go back and do it again?"
The former statues look at each other for a minute, and then the woman says, "Why not? But let's reverse it this time, you hold down the pigeon, and i'll shit on it"

Comment by Norma on January 2, 2010 at 9:51am

Three students at the CIA Academy were about to graduate. The instructor called them into a room and said to the first one, "Take this gun and go into the next room. I want you to assassinate whomever you find there. If you don't do this, you don't graduate"
The man took the gun and went into the next room, where he found his wife.
Taking one look at her, he returned to the instructor, threw down his gun and quit, saying, "I can't do this"
The next man went into the room and saw his own wife. He hesitated a moment, then he, too, resigned.
The third man took the gun and went into the room. The instructor heard six rapid shots, followed by screams, thuds, crashes, then silence.
Then the door opened and out came the third agent all bloody and his shirt in shreds. He said to the instructor,
"You idiot, you gave me blanks! I had to strangle her!"

Comment by Linny on January 2, 2010 at 8:39am

It looks like Nettie is going to be away from the emails for quite some time...........hahaha.

Comment by alpana on January 1, 2010 at 10:29pm

glitter-graphics.com

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